You know, I have to give it to all the ladies out there; you have known Victoria’s “secret” for a long time. What secret, you ask? The secret to feeling confident, powerful and sexy. The secret to achieving all those attributes? Great underwear…
Go on and laugh but I know from experience the personal transformation great undies can provide. For the better part of my life, from my earliest memories until very recently, I was a Hanes, 100% “breathable” cotton, tighty-whities briefs guy. Oh sure, I dabbled in some colors – black, gray and even navy – and once strayed over to CK Briefs, but I never really gave underwear much thought. I figured the best underwear “kept my stuff” in place and usually cost $8.99 for a pack of five. If I were lucky, I could catch the Hanes “seven-pair-for-the-price-of-five” promotion and I’d be in Heaven. At one time, my underwear drawer boasted thirty-two pairs of dazzling all-white, all-cotton Hanes briefs, enough to go a whole month without worrying about laundry.
Then one day I had an undies epiphany. I realized that the newer, designer brands of male briefs could, with seaming, pouching and stretch fabrics, do for the male anatomy what the best underwires do for the ladies. I guess I had never realized how “flattering” properly made – and engineered – male underwear could be. And I have my sweet partner Martin to thank for that “Aha!” moment.
Probably about eighteen months or so ago, as we were perusing the clearance rack at one of our favorite off-price retailers, I came across a pair of 2(x)ist underwear in XL. Like most people with a less-than-great (meaning poor) body image, I looked at them longingly for a moment than hung them back on the rack. Martin came over and said, “Sweetie, these look so cute. I know you would look handsome in them – why don’t you get them?” As I made a hundred excuses why they wouldn’t fit and I had never worn undies like that and blah,blah, blah, Martin threw them in our cart and said, “You’re getting them.” So I did.
When we got home, I tried them on with a mix of great anticipation and great anxiety. I knew they wouldn’t fit; weird thing was, they did. And Martin said to me, ever so casually, “They look cute on you, angel.” And with those few words, my life changed forever.
For the following four days, I stormed every local store in that chain, scooping up all the designer drawers in every color I could find. When I was wearing that underwear, I felt powerful and studly. And so, my addiction to well-made men’s foundation garments was born. As of today, I have more than two dozen, mostly different pairs from several labels.
Today I scored two pairs of Express for Men sports briefs, sadly both in black with gray waistbands, but on sale AND at an additional 40% off (it’s the end-of-season “box sale”). Unfortunately, underwear and socks are about the ONLY items of clothing I can currently fit into from Express, but it makes me motivated to keep working out and changing my lifestyle to lose weight. To be sure, I look NOTHING like the image below in my Express sports briefs:
(image courtesy of Express for Men)
…but hopefully one day soon I will. In the meantime, I FEEL like I look like that and that makes every penny I pay for those undies worth it.
Ladies, be advised – your reign of underwear domination is over. We men have finally figured it out. Be ready – some holiday season very soon, you just might see me coming down the runway right after Adriana, Behati, Alessandra and Chanel, wearing nothing but black work boots, some logo’d sports briefs with contrasting waistband/leg piping and wings.
Big, beautiful, fluffy wings…