Skinny Jeans + Men – the fashion “Rules”

OK, I’ll be honest – I am no A & F model by a long shot. You know that joke, “Some people have a six-pack, I have a keg?” Well, that kinda’ describes me (although I AM working on it). Anyhow, I saw another one of “them” today – another poor, unfortunate male slave to fashion.

I was standing in line at the neighborhood coffee shop, just chillin’ while I waited for my medium house with room for cream and a vanilla shot, and this soul was standing in front of me (well, not this exact person but someone very similar):

skinny jeans

Oh yes, another poor male creature that had managed to somehow “grow” inside a pair of skinny jeans. I mean, how else could he have gotten into them? He must have put them on sometime before his growth spurt hit around puberty and then wore them 24/7 until he arrived at the cutting-off-the-blood-supply-to-my-legs-look he was sporting today. It made me sad…

This year, I will celebrate my 55th birthday – I have been around a while. And when I was in high school – during the last century – we wore jeans sorta’ like this and called them pegged jeans. (We also used to buy jeans, rip out the side seams, re-sew them and then wash them like 20 times so the edges would fray into a fringe – I know, right?) Pegged jeans were a pain in the ass, but not like today’s skinny jeans – those jeans actually look like they can cause ass pain, and ankle pain, testicular pain, well, you know what I mean.

I’m not really sure what the “point” of skinny jeans is. Are they meant to let others know if the wearer is circumcised or not? Wearing boxers or briefs? None, anklets or tube socks? That the guy is carrying a wallet, 76 cents in loose change, a condom (who knows why?) and two random keys? I don’t get skinny jeans.

Like most men’s fashions “of the moment,” few – if any – men other than professional models, Adam Levine, The Beeb or any of the guys from One Direction can wear skinny jeans and pull them off. Fellas, STOP already with these stupid pants. Stop inflicting self-sterilization on yourself. NO ONE thinks you look cute in these, especially if you are:

  • Over 21,
  • Over 120 pounds,
  • Have facial hair heavy enough to warrant shaving, or
  • If you wear these with a cool fedora. Please. YOU.MUST.STOP.

Listen if you wanna’ date Taylor Swift and risk being the subject of her next break-up album, go ahead, wear skinny jeans. As for me, I think I shall keep on keeping on with my favorite, Wrangler Relaxed Fit Boot Cuts. I know – they are “Mom Jeans” for men but at least I can still feel my feet when I wear them…


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