Why I Hate Babies

I have been working with the general public for about two weeks now, in an educational setting (think museum) that is really lovely. I am very much enjoying the experience – all the new people, working with the public, the different occupational duties and personal growth, all of it. Well, almost all of it – two weeks in, I have decided one thing for sure…

I hate babies.

I have seen more “humans” under the age of two during the past two weeks of my life than in the preceding two decades of it. Don’t get me wrong – kids I like. I hate babies. Wanna’ know why?

1. I worry every time I eat anything that “something” will become lodged among my front teeth. I mean, really – is there anything MORE embarrassing than being told you have food in your teeth, and then the subsequent “pointing” and “finger scratching” to find and remove said offending item? Not for me, either. Yet babies can look like this:

baby with dirty faceand it is ADORABLE! So cute. Really? A bit of parsley stuck in my front teeth grosses you out but this baby? You want to hug and kiss that face? YIKES!

2. Occasionally, the sheer volume of business where I work prevents me from taking a lunch break. And I guess that is to be expected and accepted. That said, sometimes I just get hungry but have to wait to eat. But no, not babies – they don’t have to wait, not ever. You see, babies never go hungry. Babies come with their own self-contained snack. Babies can just “nibble on their tooties” if THEY get hungry – it’s like babies come with a built-in snack, LOL! As for me, I am lucky of I can “get down there” to TIE my shoes, let alone nibble on my toes. I wonder if toes come in flavors – like, are there BBQ style toes, or do toes come with their own honey mustard dipping sauce? These are the questions I ponder as I stand before the snack machine, weighing the choice between Doritos and Sun Chips (I took the Doritos, LOL!)


3. As an adult, to get your “voice heard” or to “get your opinion across,” there will often be a discussion of some length in order to get what you want from another adult. Not the case if you are a baby. If you are 18 months or less, this is all you need to do to make a room “sit up and pay attention” to you:

crying babyYup, that’s all it takes to get whatever you want. You don’t even have to throw a full-blown tantrum ; just moisten up your eyes a bit and get that bottom lip a-trembling and, Voila! The world is your oyster, as they say. I saw what I think was an eighteen-month-old bring six adults (both her parents and both sets of her grandparents) to their KNEES today by emitting what could only be described as a sonic WMAD. It.Was.Loud. And long. L-O-N-G. Looonnnnngggg………

4. Finally, babies are allowed to sleep anytime, anywhere and, when they do, they rewarded for it (sleeping!) with a toy, or praise. “Did you have a good nap? Good boy, Timmy.” said no adult to me, ever, after I turned four years old…

baby hatPlus, c’mon – as if the “anytime napping” accommodation wasn’t great enough already, babies always have cute hats. REALLY cute hats. UGH…

So there you have it, why I hate babies… I don’t know – maybe I don’t REALLY hate babies, maybe I am just jealous of the “baby lifestyle.” It sure looks good to me: eat, play, poo, sleep, repeat. What could be wrong with that?  😀

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