Who Thinks This Stuff Up?

This has been on my desktop for a while: A step-by-step guide to tying an Eldredge Tie Knot:

Eldredhe Tie KnotI mean really – who thinks this stuff up? What man in their right mind would ever commit to wearing a necktie with a knot that requires fifteen – FIFTEEN – separate, coordinated steps to create the desired look? No one I know…

Listen, don’t get me wrong. I like to think I am “fashion forward.” And I really, really do like ties – they are the ONLY fashion accessory that men have that allows us to compete with women and their scarves and hats and jewelry, etc. Mens’ suits remain fairly standard from season to season to season – sure, maybe the lapels get skinnier or wider – or disappear all together, but men are essentially given shoes, socks, pants, shirts and jackets – not too many pieces to have fun with. But ties, OMG, ties – woven, printed and knitted ties. Silk or linen or woolen ties. Skinny or wide, long or short, bow tie or standard – ties are the ONLY men’s fashion accessory, in my humble opinion.

So why the Eldredge Knot?

Surely the man that wears this knot has a delicate neck and an extremely L-O-N-G necktie. Remember – fifteen steps, many involving a “wrap” or a “twist.” And forget about a small circumference neck – the man that sports an Eldredge must have a long, graceful neck – like a giraffe – otherwise that massive knot of fabric at his throat would swallow his face. But who wears this knot?

The Eldredge Tie Knot Look how dapper that looks, with a sporty button down collar and a cute sweater vest. But wait – a skull and crossbones tie bar? Really? Pre-pubescent facial hair? Oh, NOW I see who wears this knot – this guy:

Eldregde Knot GuyYup. A hipster, of course. So, if I “deconstruct” this pic – this guy has never started shaving, the vest is a thrift-shop find, he spends 25 minutes using Bed Head hair products to make his hair look like he never combed it, the button-down shirt is a gift from his parents at Christmas and the tie knot is a quiet-but-bold personal fashion statement that says, “Hey bro’, I am cool.” (I guess the skull and crossbones tie bar and/or the ear gauges were maybe too understated?) And he drinks chai lattes.

You know what? More power to this guy, and any man that wants to risk getting hives in an attempt to tie this complicated knot. Maybe I don’t know a lot about men’s fashion but I do know this – when your tie knot is approximately the same size/shape as your chin, well, maybe it’s not the greatest fashion statement.

At least not for me…

Female Crimes of Fashion – Textured Hosiery

A friend mentioned recently that I have been a bit rough on the guys and their fashion faux pas of late, and asked me if there was anything women were doing that drove me crazy, fashion-wise. While I can think of a few things ladies do that that make me crazy – like emulate Ke$ha – two words IMMEDIATELY “popped” into my head: Textured. Hosiery.

Trio of legs

singlesListen ladies, I get it – your gender bears the unbelievable burden of looking “fabulous” every moment. As a gay man, I understand it even more – the taxing bother of “coordinating” shoes and bags and belts and slacks and blouses and jackets, not to mention accessories. Earrings and bracelets and watches, Oh My! And of course, everybody – male and female – want to be fashion forward and au courant, style-wise. But ladies, I beg you – unless you have the legs of Naomi Campbell or Karolina Kurkova, please do NOT attempt to wear these things…

You see, while these may look “OK” on leggy super models (and to be honest, I don’t even think they look that good on them – they look costume-y!), on the average woman, these look simply ridiculous.

Textured tights models

While I would never DREAM of undermining Stacy London and Clinton Kelly, or Rachel Zoe and Brad Goreski, I don’t think one must be a professional fashion stylist to agree that, for the most part, this fashion trend is a B-I-G mistake on 99.99% of women.

I mean, really – do you want your legs to look like you have been dating the Gorton’s of Gloucester Fisherman? Do you want your gams to look like you are wearing the lacy doilies off your Grandma’s sofa, or suggest that you have an odd fascination with eye exam charts? Please – just say “NO!” to textured hosiery. I think ultimately you’ll be glad you did!