An Open Letter to Winter

23 March 2014

Dear Mr./Ms. Winter,

I trust this note finds you well. I gather you are, in fact, well as witnessed by the ever-so-random snowflakes cascading beautifully past my window as I write this note. Sure, this snowfall would probably barely be classified as a “trace” but – having lived in Ohio my whole life, as well as having endured the seemingly endless winter currently upon us – I know how quickly that can change.

I’m not here to “ask” you anything – like “Please let Spring come,” or to scold you, as in “Cleveland’s first snowfall of the current ‘season’ was 24 October 2013 – five months ago… There are FOUR seasons – everyone gets a turn and your turn is over.” Nope. I’m not going to try to beg you or shame you or reason with you. I just wrote to let you know, you win…

truceThat’s right – you win. I surrender. I give up. Come on, bury me in your Winter whiteness. Cover me with snow and ice and cold. Sentence me to live out my life filled with short gray days devoid of sunlight. I don’t care any more. You have played a brilliant psychological game, teasing me with some sun, then returning to cold and darkness for weeks; some temps above freezing, followed by a 24-hour plunge back to near sub-arctic temps. I am broken. I simply do not have enough “fire” in me to even bitch about it any more. It’s over…

Move the glacier in over Cleveland. Take me to your cold, ice prison and get it over with. As I said, you win.

With deep contempt and resentment, I remain,

Tim in CLE

I.Swear.To.God…

If I hear one more person, one more business, use this “horrible winter” as an excuse for anything, well, to be honest, my head will E-X-P-L-O-D-E!!!

A 4800I am fifty-five, m-f’ing years old and I have NEVER experienced a winter where no matter what happens – no mail, the cable is out, the moon fell out of orbit – WHATEVER – it has been blamed on “extreme weather conditions.” Listen, I get it – this winter has SUCKED big time, but I am a little tired of hearing that EVERY state has been plagued by “extreme weather conditions.” Sure, I am from Ohio – famous for horrible weather – but c’mon, people – IT IS MARCH! You should have at the very least fallen into some sort of “Extreme Weather Conditions Groove” by now.

So why am I so pissy today? Turns out a shipment of thirty-one light fixtures – 31 – scheduled to be delivered by “end of business today” by UPS Freight is STILL sitting in North Carolina, due, remarkably enough, to “extreme weather conditions” last weekend. I call BS on that. Listen – if you were one of the country’s “delivery giants,” would you not be prepared for bad weather? I mean, sure, this was taken from the Charlotte NC News Observer, but…

“Gov. Pat McCrory declared a state of emergency for North Carolina on Friday, hours after the latest winter storm left portions of the state coated in ice and in the dark because of power outages.”

Will it EVER be fifty degrees or higher for more than three days in a row again? Deep breath in. OK, so MAYBE I was a little hasty with my anger. But, c’mon, really? I have had ENOUGH of ALL this this Winter. Enough.

Time to Go Torpid

Hibernation is defined as “…passing the winter in a torpid or resting state.” (BTW – torpid means “…having or showing very little energy or movement; dormant or hibernating.”) Many species hibernate over the winter, including these adorable European Hedgehogs:

Hibernating hedgehogsas well as the oh-so-huggable-cute-and-cuddly Hazel Dormouse:

Hazel DormouseCute, right? There are abundant scientific reasons and theories about why certain species hibernate – extreme weather conditions, lack of food, increased survival  – but the CORRECT answer is the last one. Hibernation = Survival till Spring. Hibernation is nature’s way of preventing animal suicides. Rather than force animals to endure the kind of miserable, rolling, no-end-in-sight winter we are experiencing here in Cleveland, Nature lets them hibernate. I TOTALLY understand it now.

I have had it. I want to hibernate. I want to be “torpid” till Spring and sleep through all this crappy weather. I know – that sounds ridiculous, right, but remember – they are called “man caves.” What better place for me to hide till late May/early June? And – should this room have its own fountain Coke dispenser system? – you will never see me again, period.

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